Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.