Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
crazy
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder