Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
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Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.