*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.