i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this