me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
You Might Also Like
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
So the ex texted me
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is