bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You Might Also Like
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
He’s cranky this morning
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.