The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
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Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
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I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…