My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
This story is comedy gold 😂
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
want me to check your oil?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood