If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.