Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.