I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself