“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.