Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Okey dokey.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.