I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Yep.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.