[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.