*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase