*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*