Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I hope Alan is OK
Every time my phone rings
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?