*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller