Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Meow
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.