Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.