[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after