Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
You Might Also Like
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.