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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Y’all ready for this
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen