Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
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Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.