Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Des Moines Police having a normal one
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.