I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Do not levitate over flowers