The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
What personal space?
My dog
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.