Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Cause of death: Zumba
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive