i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.