Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.