Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.