Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.