Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I’m going to need a moment here.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310