My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
You Might Also Like
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Wise advice
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.