I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
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Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No