Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.