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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
X-tra spooky blend
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”