“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
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My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE