me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
bad
worse
worst
worchester
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay