I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Ain’t no way
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years