“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.