My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?