Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“We will wed,” I threatened
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one