[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
he chose this
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.