I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
The French word for sex is croissant.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.