I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline