If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)