Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.